Men in Transition: Letting Go and Holding On!
Keynote Address by Ken Fisher
Kingston, October 26, 1996
Thanks to....
First of all let me thank the organizers Harvey Schachter, Johnny Yap,
Steve Spense, Robert Black, Ed Antocz, Steve Rush and Phil Burge and others
for having the enthusiasm and discipline to enable this gathering to happen.
Despite two decades of men's groups and men's work there still are very
few social circumstances available for men to reflect on ourselves as a
gender in a positive supportive atmosphere.
Last year I put up my hand to help with this year's conference. In April
I received a call from Harvey, asking if I could come to the first planning
meeting and facilitate a workshop to stimulate the core group's thinking
and to identify a context for the conference. Roger Jones was there from
Toronto in addition to the men from Kingston with myself and Michael, who
were on our way to Toronto to facilitate an all day planning session for
the Board of the White Ribbon Campaign. The august group of planners identified
five themes to describe the state of being of Canadian Men out of which
emerged the title for this presentation.
I want to thank the following for their support in helping me prepare.
First, Michael Deloughery: -a great listener, a delightful critic, my closest
friend and former business partner. He and I have enjoyed a 25+ year relationship,
longer than any of our marriages. In every project that we do together,
one of his roles has been to hack away at whatever agenda I propose because
it is always too full. His other mantra is to tell me that I'm free to say
whatever I want so long as no one's blood splashes on him! So I'll try to
behave accordingly.
To Paul Lafleur, Michael Kaufman, Hugh Cameron and Bill Usher, I am grateful
for their support and appropriate admonitions.
Thanks also to Harvey Schachter and Ray Jones for encouragement and reminding
me of the tradition behind the role that I have been asked to play as the
Kingston Keynote.
From 1985 to 1995 keynote speakers have been: Bruce Kidd, Michael Kaufman,
Stuart Hill, Harvey Schacter, Ray Jones, Grant Wedge, Terry Boyd & Joseph
Dunlop Addley.
Process for this Presentation
In the past, we have had genuine keynote addresses. This time I propose
to do something different.
When I explained the process to Ray Jones he said "Oh, it's going to
be like Cross Country Check Up with Rex Murphy!" Well sort of, but
I'm no Rex Murphy.
What I am proposing is an interactive happening, with many opportunities
for contributions from you. Indeed, this so-called address will be, in large
measure, created by your participation.
I have delivered short and long addresses in the past, but the fact is that
my forté is facilitation. It is those skills that I wish to share
with you this morning.
By now you probably have looked at the handout. So let's walk through it.
·Introduction: Some personal sharing of mine and my thoughts on the
topic.
·The Past 15 years: (plenary response)
Let's remember.
What have we accomplished?
Where have we experienced disillusionment?
·Letting Go (I think it comes first experientially)
My recollections of six years of delivering gender-sensitivity programs
to the workplace. Subtitled "Tales from the Crypt" or "The
Rogues Gallery."
What is it time to let go of?
·Hanging On
Sharing some recent news articles that have captured my attention.
What would you advocate holding on to?
·What is a Transition all about?
Bill Bridges lays it out for both the individual and the organization.
·The Next 15 Years
What is becoming evident?
What are your hopes and dreams?
Sharing My Experience with the Topic of Transitions
The topic appeals to me deeply. Men in Transition: Holding On... and Letting
Go. Let me share with you a recent transition of mine.
From the fall of '94 to the spring of '96 I was burned out and without work.
I scrambled around for a while, looking for contracts but then came 'death'.
There was no work to fit my motivations. I felt as if I was losing my life
as I had known it. Thoughts of death and letting go dominated my mood. I
could no longer find the energy to play my role as an advocate and activist.
I turned inward. During the summer and fall of '95 I moved tons of shale
from a field 20 km away and created about 150' of paths through our gardens.
It was therapy for the soul.
I reflected on my relationship with our sons. Given the many inappropriate
exchanges that we shared, I created a new mantra for myself in relation
to them. It is the opposite of 'today is the first day of my (new) life'.
Rather 'try to treat each day as if it is your last'. How would you want
to be remembered, when there is no time left to apologize or correct errors
in judgment? And there were many aspects of my marriage about which I had
been in rebellion. These were, for the most part, aspects that were never
going to change. Either 'get out' or 'let it be' was the message that I
was coming to terms with.
Michael introduced me to a web site featuring photos taken by the Hubbell
Telescope. For one series of shots, they pointed the telescope to 'blackness',
wanting to 'see' what was heretofore a void for existing telescopes. Wandering
back 18 billion light years, the scope photographed an extraordinarily colourful,
lyrical arrangement of about 100 million stars. It was erotic. For me Eros
was evident at the beginning of time and space and so it is today. Eros
is everywhere.
Someone once said that when one is surrounded by abundant life, one can
experience a death urge or a failure mentality. And conversely, when one
is face to face with limits and endings, and is close to the acceptance
phase, then the life urge takes over. (Eros and Thanatos are Greek names
for life and death urges.)
This past spring the idea of opening a Bed & Breakfast was proposed
to me by my neighbour, Dany. I liked cooking, I like people and I badly
needed to contribute some cash to our liquidity. I slowly became 'alive'
to a new role.
Also, last spring, we had near record high waters on the Ottawa. Believe
it or not, I spent two weeks playing with logs. One was 50' by 30"x30".
I collected about 75 often by jumping into near freezing water, tying it
up then towing it home with my 10 hp Mercury.
Then the people came and I oozed back into a new life. The result has been
a great year hosting the MNC conference, the EGALE retreat, and many individuals
and families from Quebec and elsewhere.
William Bridges, an appropriate name for a writer and intervener on the
subject of transitions said...Every transition begins with an ending, has
an in between time or a 'neutral zone' and then a potentially messy period
of beginnings.
In preparation for this speech I spent part of the spring and most of the
summer clipping the paper, listening carefully to great speakers, Judy Rebick,
Robert Theobald, Gloria Steinem and a host of others, while gathering lots
of content together to make a great presentation. I looked at statistics,
articles on gender and the workplace, documentation on violence against
women and attended the Beijing debriefing session in Ottawa. I watched helplessly
as the (Conrad)'Black' Plague moved into Ottawa. I railed against TV images
of Ontario Tories or xenophobic Quebec Separatists who could not acknowledge
they were responsible for the well-being of all their citizens.
But most of all I cooked, vacuumed, washed linen and watched the natural
world.
It's true I'm getting soft. Each morning I get up and mutter "another
day in paradise". The three dogs, Ruff (13), Tumble (7) and Sandy Mac
(7 mo.) are three generations of male mutts that resemble Benji. They watch
attentively, while I have a shower, make coffee, put on a hat and sun glasses
then go to my bike and....the race is on. We roar out of the lane way to
travel 2 km. to get the Ottawa Citizen. On the way we have seen deer, foxes,
grouse, partridge, blue herons, beaver, otter, ducks, hawks, snakes, cows
and horses and an endless array of clouds and sky creeping over the escarpment
that once was the river's edge called the Laurentians. When I come back,
I fill up the feeder for the many visiting birds, pour more coffee and read
the paper. By 11:30 I ask myself what I'm going to do today. This schedule
is happily interrupted by guests who require the first 2 waking hours of
the day for their needs.
This is a long way from the life of activism that began for me in 1957 when
I challenged the segregation of the Negro Boy Scouts from the White Boy
Scouts at an American Jamboree in Valley Forge Pennsylvania. This led to
raising money for SNCC (Student Non-Violent Co-ordinating Committee) to
support voter registration in Mississippi in the early sixties. (Mississippi
Burning)
But my main patterns of activism and analytical frameworks were formulated
30 years ago here at Queen's. I was able to attend Queen's, because the
Department of Veteran's Affairs was picking up the entire tab. I was the
child of one of Canada's second world war casualties. All I had to do was
get admitted.
In summer of '65, I left the safety of the Glebe in Ottawa and went to work
with Frontier College. While walking and shovelling gravel for a couple
of thousand kilometres on and off the main line of the CPR from Moose Jaw
to Medicine Hat, I refereed the skirmishes between the Serbs and the Croats.
And, at night I taught English and high school equivalency out of a boxcar
to immigrants, Métis and second world war vets who went to war as
teenagers, and returned too traumatized to be mainstream again.
During my three-year sixties sojourn at Queen's I remember:
-futilely talking with then Minister of Education, Bill Davis about co-ed
residences, (implemented four years later)
-confronting the University President John Deutch, about university democracy.
-getting so drunk at a party on West Street that I took off all my clothes
and became a hood ornament on a slow moving Cadillac as it drove around
City Park.
-phoning Senator Gratton O'Leary, the publisher of the Ottawa Journal, to
tell him he should not accept the appointment as Rector, the role now belonged
to a student. He listened but said no. (the Rector has been an elected student
since the mid seventies)
-being at parties with Michael & Christopher Onadaatje, Matt Cohen,
Bronwyn Wallace, John Rae and other creative geniuses.
-being a new left activist with both SUPA (Student's Union for Peace Action)
and the SCM (Student Christian Movement) and representing both for Queen's
on the local and national scenes.
-being on a panel with Sol Alinsky in Moncton.
-spending wonderful times with homosexual men, especially my friend Pierre
at the art gallery. (One night I threw myself in his arms only to have him
say 'O Ken. You're so straight, you're perpendicular!" as he gently
pushed me back.)
-getting money from the Alma Mater Society (student government) for a summer
study project to revise the first year arts program and having it implemented
that fall.
-running deserters from the American Army over the Ivy Lea Bridge to phony
identification in Canada.
-and of course I smoked lots of grass and sold it in Yorkville!
Then there was feminism. I remember Myrna Q. for she introduced me to feminism
and free love. She dropped her surname to defy patriarchy. I spent the summer
of '66 working with Myrna, Joan (Newman) Kuyeck, Steve Anderson and others
on the North Kingston Project. We were organizing poor in their demands
for better housing against the slum landlords of (the now gentrified) north
Kingston.
One fine day, Myrna, and I were walking down Princess Street. I gallantly
moved to the outside of the sidewalk. She looked at me sideways then gave
me an awful shove into the street. I was barely missed by the oncoming traffic.
It changed my life! My assumptions about women and power shimmered and disappeared.
Women were no longer powerless. They had a power that was being released
before my very eyes.
I spent the next 17 years doing community development around the world.
But because of the wide range of experiences I enjoyed here in Kingston
I was always perceived as a left-leaning nut who had women as friends.
It was near the end of that period that I got involved in men's groups.
I was working in a training centre with some other men. We fought for hours
over the most abstract ideological issues without ever saying anything of
a personal nature. Our partners were feminists, involved in women's CR groups
and members of Brussels Women's Organization for Equality affectionately
referred to as WOE. All of us were having marital challenges due to feminism,
so we thought we would get our women to at least respect us, so we started
a men's group. That was in 1981.
Through WOE, we rapidly found other men. What a euphoria of fascination
and dread of men being emotional, sharing intimate experiences. It was also
my first of many experiences of men's groups getting totally divided over
the issue of whether or not men oppress women.
In a moment, I want some of you to share your thoughts on the accomplishments
or the influence we contributed to changing the world of men and making
our contribution to the advancement of the equality of women.
The Past 15 Years
Let's go down memory lane. Call out the names of some men and men's groups
you were a part of.
In a sentence or phrase describe some of the activities you can remember.
Now I invite you to stand up, give your name and very briefly describe what,
for you, is an accomplishment. It was a contribution to some positive trend.
No justification is required for your choice. Be brief.
-The White Ribbon Campaign goes global
-Men for Change Halifax: Healthy Relationships Curriculum goes continental
-Same sex partners benefit legislation is passed
-Reductions in homophobia
-Coalitions of gay and straight men at conferences
-Metro Men Against Violence
-Manitoba Men's Network -hundreds turn out to conferences
-Men's programs to help abusive men
-"Are you Man Enough to Ask for Help?" in Pontiac County.
-8 Grindstone Men's Conferences & 9? Kingston Men's Conferences
-The Men's Network for Change
-Sports heroes now hug, kiss and dye their hair
-CEO's talk about prostate cancer
-Wife assault and sexual harassment now popularly understood and publicly
opposed, nationally and globally.
-"The women who walked into doors" by Roddy Doyle
How would you interpret this?
In all this activity where have you experienced disillusionment? Personal
attacks are not appropriate.
Letting Go
In terms of the image of transition let's look at endings and what we are
letting go of...or in some cases..what has been taken away irrevocably.
Let me take you back a decade.
It was apparent that the Ottawa-Hull Men's Forum was largely drawing men
in crisis. How we were to recruit men to the pro-feminist camp? How were
we to attract guys who were up for contributing to the struggle for gender
equality? Where are men a captive audience? -sports arenas, prisons, schools
and the workplace. Surely, if we provided a wake-up call, 'they' would come.
I conceived the idea of a Forum for Men in the Workplace while facilitating
a couple of national Employment Equity conferences in the mid-eighties.
It was apparent that the men were not on board.
After almost 18 months of marketing, a friendly women at the City of Ottawa
gave us our first opening. Let me share some of the experiences Michael
Deloughery and I had during our 6-year campaign to improve gender relations
in the workplace.
The structure included an exercise of story telling derived from a game
that Danny Drolet created for our men's group. We wanted to expose to men
the differences on how men and women are socialized. Well, there was a lot
of confusion. Half the men who attended was sure that the purpose was to
restore the 'men only' section of the local hotel and encourage 'the women'
to go back to being secretaries. It was a learning experience.
We were able to make a modest living and eventually we had a team of eight
(four men and four women, half French and half English) delivering The Forums
for Men and Women. In retrospect, we were amazed at what would often turn
up.
Signs saying "don't change our boys" put up by secretaries, pornography
and sexist or homophobic graffiti taped to the seminar room doors, and total
misinformation were regular occurrences.
Then there were a great range of characters:
·The 'poison dwarf', a small vitriolic man who ensured that there would
be a participant rebellion.
·The contact at Corrections Canada here in Kingston who was a wonderful
liaison who simply failed to tell us that he would not be at the two-day
event for the guards. What a roller coaster. The ADM in charge tried to
deny us payment. Why? Despite the fact that the the guards moved from "Get
the bitches of the ranges!" to "Women guards have families to
support and should have employment just like men. But because we have to
do the strip searches, we should be paid more!" We, the facilitators
were accused of assisting the Union to agitate for higher wages.
·The guard who said "I'm not going to share anything personal
with you guys only to have it thrown back in my face by Clifford Olsen when
I walk the range."
·The lunch provided by the Coast Guard in Halifax that was two pieces
of white bread and a piece of corned beef in the middle. The men threw the
sandwiches back in the box and walked out to the topless bar around the
corner for a bite to eat.
·The man who kept showing up at follow-up meetings within his department
(Industry Canada - Bureau of Competition Policy) Why? We found out that
he was stalking a couple of women and wanted to make sure that, if they
showed up, he could intimidate them into silence.
·The perfect angel of a guy who was later exposed as the one who fondled
the female clerks as they went to the photocopier.
·The well-educated angry professional who blew a fuse over the use
of gender neutral language. We told the client that he was a potential danger.
Our advice was apparently ignored until he threatened to kill his female
boss. Then, the RCMP rolled in a took his hard drive and his gun collection
at home.
·The confusing situation at Concordia. Valery Fabricant was not available
for our gender-sensitivity course. Later, he killed two of the better to
best intentioned men in the course. Why? Because they happened to be in
his path, as he was searching for others that he wanted to kill.
·The ship full of men booked as participants who 'got lost in the fog'
and showed up a day late. (Coast Guard - Victoria)
·The course with the man who had no less than three harassment charges
against him. We were supposed to straighten him out while being kept ignorant
of his track record. My God, did he know the right things to say! (Environment
Canada)
·The post-secondary institution that was up for accreditation and without
telling us, hired us to give them some white wash. With the participants'
remarks accurately recorded in our report, the report got 'lost'. It wasn't
saying the right things. (Concordia University - Faculty of Engineering)
·The ADM of the Bureau of Competition Policy who supported the White
Ribbon Campaign but behind our backs undermined our efforts.
·The women who demanded that we deliver a 'missile' to management about
workplace sexism. When told that we had tried but were ignored, they successfully
organized a 'sit-in' and got changes. (Industry Canada - Bureau of Competition
Policy)
·And more!
While we did meet many fine and reputable men, some of whom went on to do
positive things such as start a workplace men's support group at Petro-Can
in Calgary, and while we had a number of sincere clients, especially Public
Works Canada, who did careful preparation and follow-through, it was surprising
to us how deeply the backlash was entrenched.
In all, we did more than 40 events directly involving about 600 participants.
Not one of them ever came to a meeting of the Ottawa-Hull Men's Forum or
a men's conference.
So for you, what is it time to let go of?
-Protest as the only vehicle for social change. (With respect for the Day
of Protest which is happening in Toronto at this very moment.) The tactics
of the sixties are no longer appropriate today.
-One big social movement.
-That activist women want to work with men on issues of sexism.
-Gender as a key issue
-You should work with whomever you are in political agreement with and overlook
their personal behaviour.
Hanging On
Of late, there have been few news articles that have captured my attention.
Here is a sampling of them.
·About 200,000 years ago the primate population that were about to
become human, numbered in the hundreds and lived in Africa. Which is also
to say we all began as blacks. Now we are 6 billion, 3 billion just twenty
years ago. Today there are 4600 species of mammals, 1100 of which are threatened
with extinction, 600 of which, including one third of the primate species
which could be gone in a decade.
It took 6000 years to deforest the middle east and only 300 years to remove
60% of the trees of North America. Until a tree is cut down, or a fish harvested,
it is considered economically worthless.
·The world's 358 billionaires have a combined net worth of $760 billion.
This is equivalent to the net worth of the poorest 45% of the world's peoples
whose net worth is $280 ea. On average, US CEOs make 149 times more that
the average industrial worker.
1/4 of the world's economy is in the hands of the 200 largest corporations
and 1/3 of the world's trade is within, not between, these large corporations.
The last 20 years has seen a decline in corporate accountability to workers,
managers and the surrounding community.
How did the corporate economists get such a conservative lock on the governments
and media of the world?
·Marshall McLuhan once said that humans may simply become the sex organs,
the means of reproduction for technology, thereby serving the evolution
of technology. As the title of Heather Menzies new book reads..."Whose
Brave New World?" Is technology neutral or does it transmit the racism,
sexism and homophobia of its creators? Are we destined for liberation or
digital feudalism?
Of the 150,000 people a month visiting Toronto's Daily Bread Food Bank,
1/3 are professional and white collar workers who have been down-sized.
James Carey, an American academic states that it all comes down to information,
and the technological mega-corporations control that too. "What they
wish to monopolize is not the data but the approved, certified authorized
mode of thought, indeed the very definition of what it means to be reasonable."
When Mike Harris was asked what was the last book he read, in all seriousness,
he replied that a few years ago he had read one of the Hardy Boys books
to his sons at bedtime.
And so on.
What is becoming evident? What would you advocate holding on to?
My list includes
-Men's spirit circles to continue a process of regeneration.
-A search for a 'new' approach to social change. The sixties one isn't working.
Ask Daniel Ortega.
What is a transition all about? Let's walk through the hand out.
Lastly, the future. What are your hopes and dreams?