MensNet


Reports from the 1996 Conference

Lovers in a Dangerous Time: Challenging Social and Spiritual Cutbacks

Coordinator's Report by Paul Lafleur

The MNC is growing and changing...

After last year's questions of whether the MNC would survive another year, the MNC had a greater turnout at its conference this year, which was held July 18-21, at Wanaki-on-the-Ottawa just west of Ottawa. The organizing committee made great financial strides in these times of cutbacks by being able to offer the conference to attendees for half the price of last year's fee.

This year, 30 men attended from as far away as Vancouver, Pangnirtung (near Iqaluit, Baffin Island) and Halifax . We also had our old comrades from South and Eastern Ontario.

This year's format changed somewhat from previous years in that we had a 3-day conference and a panel discussion on the Saturday which participants could opt to attend in lieu of the rest of the conference.

By networking with the Canadian Federation of Students, we were able to attract quite a few younger men, which was one of the objectives of the previous year's conference. These younger men injected the conference with some great enthusiasm and I look forward to new ideas from this energetic group.

Friday, we had two personal growth workshops led by Luciano Iogna and Bob Neufeld. I participated in Luc's Interactive Theatre workshop, which at times was very playful and light (we had great fun interacting with each other on the beach), progressing to a more intimate gender issue centred mime-like theatre, which personally touched a chord very deep in my being.

That afternoon, we had the opportunity to listen to Mosesie Nuvaqiq's experiences leading a men's group in Pangnirtung, through his interpreter, Harry. This was truly a unique opportunity to get a window into an Innuit community's experience of gender issues, their justice system and compare it with our own. There are many things we, as a predominantly WASP society, can learn from them.

Friday evening, Luc's group performed some sketches for the rest of the men, and Bill Usher lead a sing-song weaved through a storytelling jamming session, which for many people was one of the highlights of the conference.

Saturday began with regional reports. It is truly heartening to find out what great work men are doing all across this country. We then listened with great interest to the three panelists we had invited, who all engaged us in a great discussion that continues today. Some of their presentations are included elsewhere in this newsletter.

As is most often the rule at these conferences, an intensely passionate debate followed the panel discussion, as we looked at the implications of the presentations to our network, among some of the topics, the mission statement and the use of language were certainly hot ones.

Bill Usher submitted a Travelling Festival Proposal for MNC outreach that would further aid us in reaching the goals of our mission statement. The MNC participants agreed to be a name patron in this endeavour. We look forward to following this project. What a great idea, Bill.

Sunday morning, we continued the spirited discussions of the previous day, and then as participants had to leave we closed the conference with Bob Neufeld leading a heartfelt closing ritual with dance and song. The people that could stay attended the AGM which Ian Russell was kind enough to chair.

All in all it was a great conference, with great food and facilities thanks to Ken Fisher for his organizational and catering zeal (the chocolate brownies were to die for). Also a very big thank you to the conference coordinating committee: Michael Deloughery, Ken Fisher, Bob Neufeld, Bill Usher, and Jan Van de Wetering. Without their many hours of dedication this conference would not have taken place. We ended the meeting by striking a conference committee to plan for next year's conference. It was proposed that we hold the MNC 1997 Conference at Wanaki again, since it was such an idyllic spot this year.

Note: There were three panelists. Vince Gilpin's presentation was the only one available for reprinting.

Panel Presentation by Vince Gilpin

Lovers do not threaten, dominate, oppress or abuse each other. These are not loving behaviours. But perhaps "lovers" is just a euphemism for sex partners and, the violence that may be perpetrated by sex partners on one another is a subject for another occasion.

If I am permitted to remove the unfortunate, purely sexual connotations from the term "lovers", I think of lovers as people who genuinely care about the mental, emotional and physical welfare of one another, and who would be the last to do anything that violated the integrity of one another or cause each other the least amount of distress. Using that definition, it is easy to recognize that our society is not a society of lovers and, we have come to perpetuate the violence of the society by constantly accusing one group or another of perpetrating violence on other groups. Thus we enact violence against innocent victims.

We search for who to blame when we should be looking for what is wrong. We blame and belittle others instead of practising the compassionate gentleness we claim to strive for. We naively create new icons of gentleness and co-equality and place them on a level above all others, and in the process, we discount and oppress ourselves, and practise the very inequities we say we want to eradicate. We create a cognitive dissonance for ourselves which confuses our identity, and undermines our sincerity.

The matter is further complicated by the fact that a person can be identified with two or more different groups which represent different sides of the oppressive and oppressed spectrum, e.g., a black male jew, or an oriental lesbian. To which group do these individuals belong? Is he a patriarchal male oppressor, or does his racial origin excuse him from his masculine legacy as an oppressor of women? Is the oriental woman in this society primarily a victim of male oppression or is she less equal among women in this Eurocentric society, based on her racial origin; or is she the victim of sexual intolerance? Does being Lesbian affect her social status anymore than being oriental?

All oppression is based on a belief in the essential supremacy of one individual or group over another. When more than one parameter of distinction obtains, then they are ranked according to which parameter is considered primary by the oppressor. Oppression can become so insidious and pervasive that the oppressed learn to accept the oppressive values of the oppressor. When this occurs, the oppressed begin to oppress themselves and value their oppressors as essential models to be emulated. They accept the oppressors' definition of who they are and what's wrong with them, and they endeavour to modify themselves to become more like the oppressor. This is a basis for cognitive dissonance because by overvaluing and identifying with models we can never become, we induce a crisis of identity, we frustrate ourselves and we deprive ourselves of the very thing we aim to accomplish.

We must find models of excellence within our own kind and value them as equal to the best models in all other groups. We must recognize that all groups contain oppressive abusers and innocent less powerful oppressed members. This way we reject the critical condemnation of any group en masse, we recognize our own possibilities and we affirm the co-equality of all. These ideas apply in inter-group relationships as much as they do in interpersonal relationships.

In times of cutbacks, or shortages, or scarcity of any kind, people tend to become threatened and desperate. Self preservation looms large and the group with which one identifies most is seen as a safe haven while other groups are seen as an essential threat to our survival. It is in times like these that we become a danger to one another and we fail to be loving to those who are not like ourselves. We must find ways of making existence itself a sufficient basis for likeness and co-equality. We cannot continue to emphasize differences in a competitive way and expect to achieve harmonious co-existence with all.

Spiritual development is the best hope for all of us because our spiritual pioneers are the only role models who consistently emphasize co-equality for all. I can't say the same thing for religious leaders so I make a distinction between spiritual development and religious affiliation. One of the great goals of spiritual development is the experience of unity in which the individual feels at one with all of creation. It is a state of complete appreciation and mutuality and is based on a profound, abiding, all- encompassing Love. People in a state of unity are true lovers and their mutual love, identification, compassion and acceptance is not tarnished even in the face of difficult and dangerous times.

Friday Morning

The participants had an opportunity to list their expectations for the conference. These were put on flip chart paper and are up around the main indoor meeting room. The agenda was re- examined in light of these expectations and focus groups were added to Friday's activities as was a chance for Harry and Moseses to report on their work with men in their community on Baffin Island.

After this there was a plenary session to identify possible focus group issues for small group discussion. Three were identified out of the expectations and other discussion:

1) Guilt, shame and blame
2)Defining "Constructive Masculinity"
3) Redefining the Mission Statement

Friday Morning Focus Groups

Men were given name tags with one of three colours: Red, Green and Blue. Small group discussions were held in each of these groups. Below are comments made in the groups.

The Red Group

-Guilt, shame and blame, all relates to other issues
-Labelling ourselves , not necessarily what we do, maybe what we feel we should be (i.e. anti-racist, etc)
-Privileged group, white middle class liberal therefore not seen as serious
-This is who we are
-All connected - we are the perpetrators, victims, affected
-There are questions about the Mission Statement (shortened to MS in the rest of the report), The MNC is not actively involved in these issues, we have been a network for those who are involved, but the MS has allowed us to differentiate ourselves in a positive way from other men's organizations, we want to connect with men who share our basic values
-Need to examine and recreate the MS; need to redefine who we are
-No need to eliminate MS but amend, change reword- because the perception from the existing wording is the MNC is an activist group
-How do we address/acknowledge issues (i.e. some men are violent) without condemning all men
-Language is critical
-Need to use language that will not stir defensiveness of other men/women
-Attention goes where energy flows; energy flows where attention goes. What do we stand for rather than focusing on what we stand against.
-Anti-auto movement has that negative mentality; it needs to change, in Australia, there is an individual that is implementing a visioning of a car free society and then working on the positive actions that bring that into realization
-MS is perceived as conflict based; media cultural stereotypes, looking for conflict
-Conflict oriented society- draws us into patterns and systems
-The Helms-Burton law is an example of that
-Do we deny or ignore these systems or work with them?
-Is alternative culture still propagating "us vs. them" mentality; If we identify who we are, others can see that "we are that too"
-It was two guys from Ottawa that created the Florida boycott that led to a change in US policy, we can do the same with vision of "constructive masculinism" for MNC
-Workshop on men's health, groups that don't work together usually, found common ground
-MNC is it an organization of activists and caring men with administration and projects or a virtual network that connects activists and caring men

The Blue Group

Constructive Masculinity

-Men who are interested in a healthy relationship with themselves and the rest of the world
-Men who recognize their own oppression as well as their privilege
-Anti-racist needs to be included
-Anti-patriarchal
-Opposed to all oppression: male & female, minorities and economic oppression
-Anti-hierarchical
-Committed to equality
Boundaries
- As a father you have to take time for yourself - define your boundaries
-Conscious bringing up of our needs is of ultimate concern here
-Guilt is repressed anger ; need to see behind guilt and see what it points to; usually it points to the allowing of violation of personal boundaries
-guilt is having our agenda dictated by outside forces and violating personal boundaries
-Inability to ask for help goes hand in glove with guilt (the Martyr)
-Self-reliance is instilled by fathers
-We abuse our own needs
-Leave behind our relationship needs, leave our emotions behind, be strong = "don't show emotions"
-Crying can be joy as well as grief and pain
-Admitting wrongs & mistakes is part of establishing boundaries within ourselves and with others
-It takes courage not to belittle yourself when admitting weakness or wrongs

The Green Group

-What is purpose, issues?
-Suggestion - engaging younger men: Not sure what we are engaging them in, what changes to be made to do it?, specific education, not spiritually oriented, different situations than older men face, MNC is specific
-What do we know/need to know about what young men need? quick one time opportunities
-Did we come to change ourselves or the world?
-Is perspective related to age - young have perspective of hopelessness
-Relationship between personal / political
-Outreach of MNC - to existing groups - networking, information sharing, know they are not alone
-What is invitation and benefits of invitation
-Capitalizing on the material already developed
-Establishing e-net, connecting with University groups
-MS, says same thing a number of times
-Many communities e.g. faith communities which are doing things - how do we let them know - what is the invitation?
E-Net is one possibility
-Be careful of assumption all have access
-Let water go where it flows
-Face-to -face connections important, networking face to face could be undertaken
-Event is what draws people & network is how you communicate
-Communicate through other media
-A one shot deal will draw people without requiring participants to commit

Saturday Morning

Thursday and Friday report is up on the Web. Last night was a sharing of stories and this morning the regional reports from across Canada was very motivating and exciting. The panel discussion was deeply appreciated by all, as the three panelists offered their visions in different and complimentary ways.

This afternoon, we are going to attempt to rewrite the Mission Statement to reflect the current and future direction of this Network and planning what the MNC will do in the coming year.

MNC AGM Minutes


The AGM was graciously called together by chair Ian Russell of Toronto.
1. The host and cook was warmly and unanimously thanked for his generous hospitality and tasty sustenance.
2. Minutes of the 1995 AGM were received. The receipt of the 1995 Minutes was moved by David Nobbs and seconded by Paul Lafleur. Approval was unanimous.
3. The financial report revealed a bank balance of $1169.07, slightly more than a year ago at this time. The conference was on a separate budget and essentially paid for itself. There was a discussion on the cost of annual membership. It was unanimously agreed that the price would be $20. The receipt of the report was moved by Ken Fisher and seconded by Bill Usher. Approval was unanimous.
4. The MNC Core Group (Ottawa) has a mandate to produce a new brochure. Michael agreed to maintain the web page and Ken agreed to maintain the newsletter. Both are looking for support or replacement. Unanimous support was formalized through a motion by Forrest Smith and seconded by David Abel.
5. The AGM discussed the possibility of a 1997 conference. The following volunteered to be a part of the planning group: Peter Davison -Halifax (Regional Representation), David Abel -Toronto (Challenging Violence Against Women), Bill Usher -Toronto (Outreach & Animation), Murray Thorpe -Ottawa (Leg Work), Phil Robinson -Guelph (Group Organization), Ray Jones -Toronto (Kingston Conference liaison). Paul Lafleur -Ottawa (Advice), It was agreed to return to Wanaki.
6. The AGM confirmed an expression of strong support for Bill Usher's MNC Outreach proposal. (following) Unanimous support was formalized through a motion by Jack Wiggins and seconded by Bob Neufeld.
7. The motion to adjourn was moved by David Nobbs, seconded by Jack Wiggins and approved unanimously. (as recorded by kf)

MNC Outreach: Draft Proposal
by Bill Usher
100 Bain Ave. 19 the Aberdeens Toronto ON Canada M4K 1E8
416 465-1335 bamboom@interlog.com

(Since the Conference I've made some headway. I have a list of prospective foundations that help with work that's addressed to issues concerning young people 'at risk'. Please mention in the newsletter that the best possible response I could get initially would be people who are willing to offer communications insights and strategies - getting the word out is the biggest need right now and it would be supportive to have folks at the end of an email willing to listen and respond with helpful suggestions and offers to pursue their own networks. 96/09/25)

I have an idea for an artistic initiative that I would like to share with members of the MNC. I think it could be a potent outreach initiative towards reaching the goals of our mission statement. This idea has its' roots in a number of other endeavours I have been involved in throughout my career and has been especially focused by my experience of the last few years as I have performed my songs and stories to secondary school students and adults. I'm thinking the time might be right now to go forward with this. Simply put...

A few social justice organizations who have vision and credibility but lack funding monies for outreach initiatives would join strengths and put their names and support to a proposal that would ask for funds from corporations, foundations, labour and government. These funds would finance a travelling Festival made up of performance artists who would embrace and thematically explore the MNC mission statement..

This Festival, made up of 'national tour' artists (both women and men), would travel to communities across the country and would present concerts to the host community free of charge. Regional performers would augment the national touring company in each community.

The Host organizer (e.g. social, faith and justice coalitions, labour, women's centres, men's groups) in each community would facilitate appropriate concert opportunities for the Festival's artists. For example, this might result in a significant number of day-time performances for high school students as each artistic group went off singly to high schools in the community. In the evening, the artists would reunite to perform a 'gala' variety show. The host organizer might also organize symposium events to coincide with the tour's visit.

All box office receipts for the concert(s) would stay in the local community to benefit the social justice efforts of that community. The funds would be directed by the host organizer to 'benefit' a local group or initiative (e.g. women's shelter, rape crisis phone line, AIDS hospice, educational initiatives.)

As an artist/entrepreneur who is still standing after 25 years of the vicissitudes of a free lance life, I believe that this idea has strong 'legs'. Why? Because all partners can gain much while risking little:

-the 'name' patrons (MNC, NAC, White Ribbon and so on) create a project that will reinforce/gain national exposure and provide a much needed educational outreach into the larger community - especially to young adults.
-the 'funding' sponsors are provided with a superior national/local venture that would a/ fulfil their granting/sponsoring mandate and b/ create sympathetic media exposure
-the 'Host' community organizer would have the benefit of a superior and meaningful artistic event to offer to their community to raise funds, profile and consciousness - without risking any venture funds.

The national and regional media exposure and resulting validation would be invaluable to ongoing work:

-audiences would be moved by a heartfelt and meaningful concert
-secondary school students would have the rare opportunity to experience these 2 performers as part of a social justice, progressive initiative. N.B. More and more schools and boards lack the funding for 'extra' programming - even though it might speak to core curriculum issues. Give it to them free of charge and we will have no problem exploring our messages with teen age audiences
-social, pro-active efforts in communities across the country would benefit financially from the box office receipts of night-time concerts.
-performers would benefit from the work and the profile. [Disclaimer: As a performer, an event like this is tailor made for me. My various creative and administrative experiences would be invaluable in helping to make it happen and I could stand to reap many rewards personally, financially and career wise.]

Who would fund such a loving thing in these hard and dangerous times?

-With perseverance we would find organizations who are on the cutting edge and/or who either have or want to reinforce a progressive, caring national profile to parents and especially youth, software company, bank, cosmetics, clothing manufacturer, condom manufacturer, faith foundations, arts foundations, oil companies, food marketers, labour organizations....???? There are also foundations and various health/government initiatives which have funds for these social areas.

Who would be a name patron?

-Well I'm hoping the MNC would start it off. And then maybe White
Ribbon, NAC and maybe the Canadian Labour Congress and maybe the United Church and the Unitarian Church and other socially progressive groups......There are so many diverse individuals and groups across Canada who are working on social justice issues in their daily life. This travelling Festival could be the needle and thread linking them all together in a necklace of combined beauty and strength.

I invite your thoughts and discussion,


One Man's Evaluation by Phil Robinson
Men Against Violence Collective
<pwrobins@uoguelph.ca>

I hope everyone is doing well. I am doing okay, except exams have started and I can't seem to stop sweating. Anyway, I wanted to send in my evaluation - I know, it's late, but it has taken me a while to mentally process the conference. In fact, I'm still thinking about it, which is a good thing.

I am writing it in the format that the evaluation sheets were developed.

1. Events that stand out in my memory:
-the best events that I attended were the informal discussions that took place on the beach, the porch, in the kitchen, etc. These allowed for networking and the sharing of experiences that didn't always happen in the larger, more structured sessions.
-the story telling was excellent, although I could have done without the urn and the candles (perhaps this is my issue and something that I have to deal with myself, but after working in the "front-line" for several years I cannot help but get uneasy in situations that resemble - and again, maybe this is something I need to work out on my own - ritual abuse scenarios)
-Luc's workshop on drama was excellent (I'm hoping to bring him to Guelph in September)

2. High Points:
After the conflicts and differences were exposed and openly debated in a somewhat safe and considerate environment. This is when I felt the most comfortable, largely because it gave me a better idea of where everyone was coming from. Once I had a better "feel" for others' perspectives, it became much easier for me to participate.

Low Points:
I think when I first arrived was probably the time I felt most uneasy. A "men's conference" can be a little intimidating, especially when a lot of the language that was being used was familiar to me in a very different context. To elaborate, words like "ritual", "spiritual", "soul", "psyche" (and other therapy-related terms) have connotations that I am often uncomfortable with. Perhaps I need to get more accustomed to a range of language uses and not get disillusioned by the differences in language (either regionally, generationally, or whatever) and the value judgements we place on different words.
I think the approach I take is very different in many ways to that of other attendees at the conference (and there is nothing necessarily wrong with difference!). This was perhaps most apparent during and after the panel when many attendees were inspired by Vince (the psychotherapist) and I was inspired by the other two panelists - but again, the resulting upheaval and disagreements were also the best part of the conference.
The other low-point was when Bob and I were soaking wet and trapped by the rain in the mesh tent. But then again, this was a great conversation piece the following day.

3. Most Helpful:
The opportunity to connect with other men and discuss our shared experiences, involvements, opinions, etc.

4. Add: More opportunity to discuss strategizing around the "four tenents": pro-feminism, anti-racism, male-affirmative and gay-positive.
Change: A focus on rejuvenation or self-care is fantastic, but I would prefer it to be less focused on "spirituality". For me, spirituality is only one part of "self-care", and it is something that I cannot do in an organized fashion - at least not until I know everyone and am comfortable with them. This is not to say that spirituality groups shouldn't be offered, rather my point is to suggest that all "self-care" type of things shouldn't be in a spirituality context.

5. Impact:
I felt good about the conference. It enabled me to connect with other men and develop new ways of relating to people. I plan on using these experiences with men in Guelph. I also left the conference with information on what other men were doing, especially in regards to violence against women. I developed some valuable friendships that will help me in my work and, more generally, in my life.

The conference also singled out the importance of self-care, although I didn't necessarily like the fact that it was in a "spirituality" context.

Finally, the conference forced me to critically examine my own beliefs and values. For instance, I had to actively thing about the similarities and differences that I had with other people and their perceptions. This was valuable. I should clarify that when I discuss my differences with others it is not intended to be value-laden. As I stated at the conference, I have no problem with conflict. In fact, I think conflict can play a great role in helping me discover my "self".

6. I am now connected to a larger network of men. This is very empowering and I look forward to organizing future events with the MNC.

7. Perhaps next year's conference can focus on "Rejuvenation and Strategizing for Change" or something like that. It would be helpful (for me) to have a clear focus on both rejuvenating ourselves and doing direct political strategizing and networking. In terms of strategizing, it would be great for individuals to share their experiences through workshops/discussions on things like confronting violent men, supporting children that disclose abuse to us, fighting social service cuts, etc. The purpose of these could be to share information and methods, as well as connect with other men.

One last point: I think there is a lot of work that needs to be done in order to make MNC's conferences more inclusive. A lot of what went on during the weekend was geared to an audience that is largely white, middle-class and middle-aged. This is not necessarily a problem in itself, but if the MNC wants to address younger men, men of colour, etc., there are changes that could be made.

I really appreciated the effort the organizers put into this conference. I learned a lot and had a lot of fun - you all did a great job - thank-you. I hope my feedback is helpful. I hope to stay in touch with everyone - feel free to e-mail or phone me at any time. see you in Kingston in October, I hope! Phil Robinson

Regrets

From: Michael Kaufman <mkmk@yorku.ca>

Dear brothers, Hope you have a wonderful conference. My spirits are with you and, I hope, yours are with me. Michael

From: Terry Boyd <71062.3444@CompuServe.COM>

Ken, Hi, how are you doing? Bad news from the Boyd/Dunlop-Addley household. We are not going to be able to attend the MNC weekend in July. Sorry. We had been looking forward to attending.

The problem is family. My father is in the hospital. It would appear that he has a tumour on his pancreas--final diagnosis pending. At the same time, my mother just underwent a geriatric assessment, and, as a result, we will have to move her from her apartment to a nursing home. Unfortunately, I (Terry) am the only one of the siblings who lives in London--so I will have to take responsibility for the arrangements for both parents. Joseph has been (and continues to be) my key emotional support (not to mention helper) in dealing with these events. But the bottom line is we simply cannot manage a weekend in Ottawa at this time. We sure hope that the conference goes well and are looking forward to the reports from you all. Best wishes Terry (and Joseph) (Terry's father passed away at the end of August . Please accept our condolences, Terry, ed.)

From: David Rice-Lampert <chccit@escape.ca>
Subject: Reply re MNC conference
(Note:Put my name in the subject if you are able as this is a Divisional address, and my mail isn't highlighted without my name.)

Hi hope all is well . The conference looks great but I see no way to make it due to my dwindling financial resources. I will pass on the information to others in the Peg, who may be interested.

I am involved in lots of interesting violence-prevention activities too numerous to mention now but one initiative is with Men For Change Halifax. I am coordinating bringing in Peter Davison for almost one week. I am working with the U. of M. research centre on doing a three-year evaluation of the Healthy Relationships Curriculum. A long story shortened, I am planning community and youth events while Peter is here.

I am also organizing, through work again, a conference on family violence and cross-cultural issues. This is all through work! I am enjoying my "new position" retitled Coordinator/Trainer Cross-Cultural Violence Prevention. So this is all for now. I will keep in touch electronically. Take Care.

From: delter@public3.bta.net.cn (Bob Kneebone)

Hello friends... Yes I'm alive and well in Beijing; just got mail from Will Boyce and understand that you are in the middle of a conference. I recently got wired into this network (things move slowly in Beijing) and it feels a bit strange after 11 months of little contact outside of the Middle Kingdom. It's been one hell of a year, working our butts off, trying to adapt to an alien culture, and missing friends from home. There is not much going on here that I can participate in regarding feminist ideas (they certainly are needed; most students are rather sexist) although, myself and most of the teachers manage to have considerable discussion and influence around the issue.

I find the expression of men's friendship in Beijing very interesting. It is not at all uncommon to see men holding hands in public and walking down the street arm in arm; this being most prevalent in the student population. At the same time, most Chinese are very anti gay; reciting years of official government rhetoric.

I wish you all well and hope to hear from you over the weekend.
Lots of hugs, Bob & Ruth in Beijing delter@public3.bta.net.cn
Please enter Bob in Subject: section of Email.

Regrets were also received from Harvey Schacter, Johnny Yap, Bert Young, Roger Davies,, Chris Sunde, Greg Carter and David Murphy. Apologies to those whose names were not included.


Conference Description and Agenda


c/o Paul Lafleur 17 O'Meara Street - Apt. 2 Ottawa ON K1Y 2S7
tel. (613) 722-2730 e-mail md@magi.com